101 Golf Shots


Man had been trying for 400 plus years to perfect the golf swing. Yet not one person has found it yet. Here are a few ways of hitting a small ball.

1. Drilled
A putt hit with power into the hole.

2. Daisycutter
Short on height but achieves a great distance.

3. Wormburner
Similar to the above, not much height but goes far. Otherwise known as a Sally Gunnell; an ugly runner, but goes a long way.

4. Rattled
A putt hit with authority that finds the back of the hole.

5. Howler
An easy putt missed that costs a win. A nan could have putted that.

6. Nailed
A driven, straight shot that finds its intended target.

7. Thumped
A high and powerful drive.

8. Smashed
Continuing our current theme of superlatives for the big hitters.

9. Lashed
An unorthodox drive consisting of ‘more power than anything’.

10. Flop shot
You need to ‘cut the legs from under the ball’ to ‘throw it high into the air’ to land the ball where ‘there isn’t much green to work with’.

11. Bombing it
A huge drive that flies like a missile.

12. Lag putt
A putt to get near the hole or in the ‘bin lid’. No intention of holing.

13. Clutch putt
A putt at a crucial moment, i.e. to win a tournament.

14. Duff
A duff shot is to mess up. Can be to top, fat, miss or drive the ball into the ground.

15. Fluffed
The fluff shot is to duff a shot at a cruical time.

16. Fat shot
Fat shot hit the ground before the ball, creating a sod. Opposite of…

17. Thin shot
Thinning is hitting the ball on or below the equator of the ball, causing a low trajectory and more distance than required.

18. Air shot
A swing that completely misses the ball. Try saying ‘that was a practise’.

19. Smotes
To hit back with equalling or better drive than your playing partner.

20. Punch shot
An intentional thin shot.

21. Bump/Chip and run
Short in finesse but gets the job done, perfect for amateurs for around the green.

22. Splashing it out
A superb chip out of the sandtrap.

23. Checking chip shot
A pitch shot with a little backspin, showboat stuff.

24. Lob shot
A shot showing deft spin control. Stopped it stone-dead.

25. Audacious chip
A bold and reckless shot.

26. Perfect chip
A chip that all but finishes in the hole, so not that perfect.

27. Flared
A long drive that has missed the fairway, usually accompanied with a direction i.e. flared left/right.

28. Wild
An ungainly swing that could send the ball anywhere.

29. Hack
A hacker is a derogatory term for a rubbish golfer. To hack is to swing furiously usually to escape the rough with the sole purpose to ‘get back onto the fairway’.

30. Rip it
Ripping is a clean, well struck drive or long iron.

31. Murder it
To murder a golf ball is to want to hit the thing so hard to almost ‘knock the paint off it’. But often murdering results in a poor drive or the duff shot.

32. Shank
Hitting ball with heel of club. Swing goes outside / over the top of the ball.

33. Sunday best
A proper ‘stand up’ drive, best suited for the final day.

34. Tickled
A delicately hit putt just hard enough to find the hole.

35. Thrashed
A tamer variation of thumped but still full of power.

36. Flung
A delicate chip onto the dancefloor, like throwing underhand.

37. Swung
A prudent chip or pitch swung around a tree or bunker.

38. Pressure putt
Reserved for a ‘grandstand finish’ on the 18th on a Sunday or to force a playoff.

39. Game changer
This shot has the potential to turn a round ‘on its head’ or to revive a flagging round.

40. Pin-high
An approach shot that has missed the green but level with the flag.

41. Chasing it through
An impeccable shot with faultless follow through and an excellent finishing position.

42. Sprayed
A good drive that just missed the short grass.

43. Tippy-tippy
A series of putts that miss the hole until finally the ball drops or the putter is snapped.

44. Fade
Intentional gentle left-to-right flightpath. Opposite of a draw.

45. Necky fade
A far more severe fade required to get past a hazard.

46. Draw
A right-to-left ball flight, far less severe than a hook and hit intentionally.

47. Hood
A hooded strike is to close the clubface for a low trajectory flight.

48. Low slinger
A low shot with a long iron, may not be intended but gets the ball down there.

49. Flubs
Driven into trees or bushes. Will have to take a drop.

50. Tap-in
An easy putt. Can showboat by putt one-handed or on one foot or by using the back of the ‘flat stick’.

51. Stiff
To knock the shot close to the hole from the tee or fairway.

52. Wayward drive
A drive that misses the intended fairway but is recoverable.

53. Stinger
A low punch shot with a 3-wood. Perfect if not swinging well or there are ‘over-hanging trees’.

54. Drained
An exceptionally long putt that sinks in the hole.

55. Died in the hole
A putt where the ball drops into the hole seemingly with its last roll or breath.

56. Spinning chip
A terrific chip that spins back to the flag.

57. High and hand some
A big drive, more height equals more distance.

58. More height than anything
Quashing the theory above, this shot travels more distance in the air than land it covered.

59. Long splash shot
A big hit from a fairway bunker.

60. Riposte
Can come after a fellow competitor tremendous drive or approach, or after a poor hit.

61. Undercooked
A tame or misjudged putt.

62. Flayed
To swing viscously, whip or lash.

63. Push
Starts right and stays on right trajectory in a straight line.

64. Pull
Starts left and continues on left trajectory.

65. Slice
Starts left of target and curves right of target.

66. Snap hook
Shot that fiercely curves right to left straight from the bat.

67. Too cute
A chip that ends up short of the target.

68. Blade it
Similar to thinning, hitting the equator with the leading edge.

69. Top
Hitting the ball above the equator, creates topspin.

70. Skull
A severely thinned shot with an iron, often shooting through the green.

71. Poz-A (Position A)
The perfect shot to be in a position to attack the green. Most commonly found on doglegs.

72. Split the fairway
A fabulous drive right down the middle.

73. Driven
Into the deck. Is to hit the ball off the tee into the ground losing distance, accuracy and respect.

74. Mammoth
Like the creature, big and powerful, but less hairy.

75. Up and down
Technically this is to take two shots from off the green to sink the ball.

76. Double hit/kiss
A phenomenal and tricky shot to pull off intentional. Hitting the ball a second time in the follow-through. Penalised with a one stroke penalty.

77. Duck hook
A big right-to-left arc, similar to the snap hook, only the duck loses height quickly.

78. Yips
An involuntary flick or jerk of the putter whilst swinging (no cure as of yet).

79. Canned
A lengthy putt.

80. Still some meat left on that bone
A putt left short. Opposite of…

81. Too much meat behind that

82. Powered
In reference to putting, the ball is hit too had and jumped over the hole.

83. Stopped stone-dead
A chip that does not roll or bounce once on the green.

84. Flier
This to hit sweetly out of the rough. Often too sweet and flies past the green.

85. Came out hot
A fierce, over hit putt. Can be referred to approach shots too.

86. Gouge out
To hit a ball that has nestled down in the rough.

87. Run out steam
Not enough force required to sink a putt, can also be used to describe a players round that has faltered.

88. Mullered
Originally from soccer lexicon, coined from the German striker Gerd Muller’s ability to score long range efforts.

89. Spanking
Bring joy to golfers and sadomasochists.

90. Hot and low
A low flying iron shot.

91. Crashed
A more or less indecorous version of mullered.

92. Knockdown shot
Perfect shot to play when in between clubs.

93. Blast out
This a good bunker shot where a lot of sand is thrown up.

94. Crunch it
Crunching a long iron is dig out a good strike from the fairway.

95, Dragged
Similar to pull but the putting equivalent.

96. Brazilian
Shaved the edge.

97. Joe Pesci
Ugly five footer; downhill.

98. Lipped out
The most frustrating of all, hits the rim of the cup but doesn’t drop.

99. Rammie Rimmer
A titillating putt that circumnavigates the edge of the hole before dropping.

100. Swoosh
How swoosh became an adjective is anyone’s guess, but this is an accepted description of a perfectly hit drive that makes the ball fizz.

101. Snotter
A difficult shot to pull off intently, much harder than the Russian ladies weightlifting team. A drive that beats them all.

Hopefully you won’t hit all of these shots in one round.

Golf Weather

Whether you like it or not, the weather will have an impact on your golf game. Especially this year, the weather as made its force known on so many golf tournaments in 2013, the strong wind afflicted Tournament of Champions in Hawaii to the thunderstorm at Bay Hill for the Arnold Palmer Tournament which forced a Monday finish. There was even snow in Las Vegas!

Weather can decide if you brave getting out of bed to play.

The fool-hardy, or determined golfer will play in any condition Mother Nature decides to throw at us mere mortals. The professionals are a more cautious, softer breed – but wouldn’t you be if you had thousands of pounds on the line?

Weather, especially in the UK, is a “mixed-bag” at the best of times. And it is the main topic of conversation throughout the land. So naturally, a plethora of cliches have made their way into the lexicon of the golfing fraternity.


Wind on the golf course will “sort the men from the boys”. Are you stood on the tee, looking down the fairway and the wind is all up in your face? Then this hole is “playing longer into the wind”. You could imagine that it is a “par-6 in this wind”.

Any wind stronger than squally (Beaufort Scale 4) can “play havoc” with your swing as it becomes less predicable where your shot will end up. Remember it is far windy “up in the air than on the ground”.

“Sustained winds” or the weatherman’s favourite “prevailing winds” are particularly cruel, especially on a Sunday morning after a heavy night out.

Particularly bad weather is often described at “inclement”.

The Beaufort scale is a rating of the wind force, from 0 (no wind) to 12 (blowing a hooley). See table below.


Cold / Snow

The rule for winter weather is that it is always measured in degrees Celsius and the summer, hotter weather is in Fahrenheit.

You can afford to “club up” in winter as the ball doesn’t go as far in cold air.


“Rain hit” golf comps become a drab affair, more so after a “deluge”. Downpours and Persistent rain where a constant threat in 2013. However, big, dark, ominous clouds are a perfect opportunity to Instagram and share with everyone that doesn’t care.

The instrument used for measuring the velocity of rain is the puddle-ometre. Simply find a puddle, rate of intensity that the water is bouncing determines how heavy the rain is.


Rain on the “putting surface” make it harder to “gauge the pace” of them.

However, when the sun does put his hat on, the greens will quicken as they dry out.

Fair weather golfer will only be seen on the course between May and July before their golf clubs hibernate for the long autumn/winter.


Hot weather is rarity in Scotland. However the sun put his hat on at Muirfield for the British Open. The heat baked the greens, they were like concrete.

It is important to “take on fluids” in warm weather. Warmer, thinner air allows the ball to carry further. A softer spin ball will help to “hold the green” on the dried out greens.

Enjoy your golf, whatever the weather

A Guide To Small Balls

As we get older, a lot of men see that their balls decrease in size. This is nothing to be concerned about. It happens to most males. Some will never see a ball between their legs again. They give up and reduce their lives of shopping with their better half or watching other men chases balls around for hours. But the majority will continue playing with their balls to a ripe old age.

The temptation can take hold at any point during a mans lifetime. Ryan Giggs has recently turned 40 years old and he is still playing with his large balls. Bruce Forsyth regularly plays with his small ones and he’s 104.

I am of course talking about mans nature to evolve from playing football to taking up golf. For a lot of fellas, Sunday morning has involved playing the beautiful game, then they might take up watching the game from the sidelines. More and more commonly, men are finding their sporting and competitive edge again and taking up golf.

January often sees an influx of new comers to the golf courses. Maybe Santa delivered golf sets to people’s stockings or it is a New Years Resolution to take up golf.

Adjusting from a large ball to such a small one is not easy. There are lot differences between a football and a golf ball. The littler balls are easy to lose, believe me. But there are some similarities, during winter, both sports may use a yellow ball. Though, I sometimes resort to the yellow ones during summer when my ball-bag is depleted.image


Golf Burn have compiled a Do’s and Don’ts list of the golf ball.

Do’s and Don’ts

Do do keepy ups with driver or wedge

Don’t attempt to header a golf ball

Do use a club to strike the ball

Don’t kick it

Do as checkemlads.com cancer charity says and check your balls regularly

Don’t lick your balls. A lot of golf courses will use fertilisers that don’t taste that pleasant.

Do keep your ball bag well stocked, especially when taking on a new course

Do mark your balls

Do not use balls that have been sitting in a body of water for a while. They are never the same.

Do be careful when rooting for balls in bushes.

Do throw away split balls. They’re no good to anyone split open

Do lend your damaged balls to your playing partner when their ball bag is depleted

Look after your balls and your balls will look after you.

Golfers Christmas List

I have a friend in the elf sorting office who has intercepted these letters to Santa.

Top of the morning Santa

I know the customary thing is to ask for new things for Christmas, but I so dearly wish to return to my old clubs. I made several huge mistake this year, the biggest was probably appearing in some Santander adverts. However, I feel most comfortable and in control with my old bats. Things have been progressing well lately but, some off the field distractions have affected my game. Could your magic let me travel back in time and avoid a terrible error of judgement?

And also, an excuse app would terrific. I don’t think anyone one bought that wisdom teeth line.



Dear Santa

Would it be possible at to bring me some final day nerves of steel. I have been in contention a few times year only to blow it on the final day. And also a new sponsorship deal. I am a sick of shopping in Sports Direct for my gear. And also a Twitter Breathalyzer Phone-locker app.


Dear Santa

This is a big ask, but I don’t want this season to end. I’ve finally found my best form and had the best year of my life.



Tiger woods
Dear Santa

Thank you for the fast cars, big house, millions of dollars, endless stream of gorgeous women and the lenient punishment for my mishap at Augusta this year. But what I really want is a win at a major. Well, not just one major, but another five if that’s possible. I’m sick of people saying I’ll never beat Jack Nicholas. It doesn’t have to be all this year. I can wait until 2015 for my 19th Major win.


Dear Santa

Last year you blessed me with another great win at matchplay. However, I am now a bit fed up with the tag of Mr Matchplay. It would the best ever if I could win a tournament at regular old stroke play. Also, could I please have some IJP Design trousers, some IJP Design tops, an IJP Design iPad cover, an IJP Design iphone cover, some IJP Design socks, IJP Design boxers, some IJP Design earring aids, IJP Design incontinant pants, IJP Design action man with IJP Design outfit and the menacing Ryder Cup stare.




A Slew Of Cliches


A gaggle of geese

Golf commentators often dip into their special pot of collective nouns to describe a golfer’s performance during their round. There are a whole host of nouns that a commentator should be packing in their vocabulary locker. Here are a few examples and we attempt to quantify these promiscuous nouns. 

Blemish-free – a blemish-free a round for a professional is not to score anything higher than a par (bogey plus). A blemish free round for the hacker is not losing a ball. 

A rash of birdies – is a multitude of instances, although no certain figure has been allocated to a rash, in golf it could be anything between 3 & 18. 

Brace – braces come in 2’s, normally birdies in quick succession, these “back-to-back” birdies can propel a golfer up the leaderboard. 

Solitary eagle – nothing is more lonely on the golf course than a solitary eagle. This lone creature is very mythical to the hacker. 

Birdie trail – get on the birdie trail with a minimum of three consecutive birdies. Has to be at least three for a trail, two birdies in a row is a brace. 

Blaze of birdies – a blaze of birdies can be fragmented with a par. Blazes are normally reserved for the remaining holes. e.g. “Woods finished with a blaze of birdies”

Slew – slews come in large numbers. i.e missed a slew of chances or lost a slew of balls. A slew is greater than a gaggle. 

Gaggle – normally reserved for a group of geese when not flying. A gaggle can refer to a collection of golfers or spectators 

A patch – patches are genuinely cynical descriptions of ones performances i.e. he was good in patches means poor overall. 

Up and down – an up and down round normally runs like birdie, bogey, birdie, bogey. Some good holes, some bad. 

Mixed bag – as a rule, the mixed bag cliche is normally associated with the weather forecasts. However this collective has crept into golf and means a round full of birdies and pars. 

A streak – good form usually are streaks while bad luck tend to be runs. 

Raft – rafts tend to be missed opportunities to take the lead or game by the scruff of the neck. 

Glut – a glut can allude to a number birdies or pars being knocked in by a number of golfers in a small period of time. 

Clutch – another collective borrowed from the animal kingdom. A clutch refers to a small collection i.e. a clutch of par-3’s (3). 

Birdie blitz – a number of birdies fragmented by par or more eg 6 out 9


Hacker Stats

Golfing professionals are not merely measured by their victories. There are a raft of performance measures that the pros are compared against during their round. These ratings are normally presented by the broadcaster to fill in the gaps during their coverage. Hour after hour we are provided with a deluge of statistics from the average distance of a golfers drives to number of tippy-tappy putts he completes during the weekend. So far we are missing a stat on how many times Colin Montgomerie makes you want to change channel.

Here at Golf Burn we believe that the average golfer may want to record some stats to compare against his playing partners to salvage some sort of credibility or to see how they progressing. Here are a few suggestions that we have come up with.

GIR – Greens In Regulation
The GIR stat recognises that a two putt is the average so the GIR aim is to find the putting surface leaving two putts for par. Golf Burn plan to replace this two putt rule with one putt allowing for duff shots not to be punished too harshly and renaming GIR as DIG or Duffers Identification Governance. We did toy with dropping the putt rule to nil to allow for chip-ins, but that would be par.

Fairways Found
This is a stat to record the accuracy of a golfer from the tee. We feel that replacing this with Second Cut Avoidance Score is more beneficial to the hacker as the first cut merely an extremity to the fairway.

TPF – Three Putt Factor
No golfer likes a three putt in their round, so this stat rewards the good putts. For every three putt, a score of 1 is the penalty, the lower the better.

Spornability ratio
Also could be known as Members Bounce Index. This is a direct correlation between luck and victories. If the ratio is high then the golfing gods favour this individual over you.

Buggy Tread Differential or the Buggy Depletion Gauge
Both are to measure how hard the golf buggy has worked during your round.

If the average golfer embrace these new measurements then they find one stat here to salvage some dignity and increase their love of the game.



Route To The Hole

If you are to become successful at golf then you need to know your route to the hole. Yes this is normal indicated by a flag. But there are perils hazards and sights between the tee to green. So below are some of the hazards and keys areas of the course that you may come across en route.

Ladiess Tee / Forward Tee
Sexist? Yes. Chauvinistic? Yes. Arrogant? Again yes. But if your drive fails to get pass the red tees then your playing partners can ridicule you with comments like “Didn’t even make the tarts tee” To be uttered with a slow shake of the head. If male and over 13 years old. Never play from the forward tee, it’s for girls.

Only to be used on par 3’s and if your tee shot finishes on the green. Premission granted to say “It’s a good job I brought my dancing shoes because i’m on the dancefloor” Anywhere greater than 20 feet from the hole is said to be “a long way from the band”.

Bin Lid
The introduction of the wheelie bin has failed to dispense the phrase “bin lid”. This area around hole is still the imaginary target destination for approach shots and long putts.

Pin High
This term is used as a consulation after a shot has missed the green but finished level with the flag. The shot was not short or too long but the distance was correct to the flag. Does not count if two miles away but still level.

Well Protected Green
A term used in course reviews for saying the green is surrounded by a host of hazards. These can be, ditches, burns, lakes, ponds (the wet stuff) or greenside bunkers ready to “gobble up” your ball.

The Wet Stuff
Your attention maybe drawn to the wet hazard by your playing partner ironically saying “There’s no water there”. Suddenly all you can think of is your ball going for a swim. Should an opponents ball land here, this is the queue for you to gesticulate your arms in the breaststroke fashion or hold your club up as a snorkel.

Undulating Fairway
Again another favourite phrases used by course reviewers. If the fairway isn’t “tree lined” then it maybe “undulating”.

Long stuff
This long stuff just off the fairway is waiting for your “errant tee shot”. The rough surrounding greens is often referred to as “narly”.

No mans land

This is an area of the course not intended or so remote from a fairway that no man would intentionally play into. If a drive bananaered into this territory, this is perfect timing for “Even Tiger Woods couldn’t do that”

Sand Trap
Kitty litter, cat box, sand pit all mean the bunker. Anymore than three shots in the bunker calls for a Hamlet.

The “beach” is a bunker the size of Spain. It is huge and contains a lot of sand.

O.B / O.O.B
Out of bounds is an area outside of the course like a farmers field or a back garden. O.B can be within the course bit not intended for play on that hole, like an opposing fairway. This is indicated by white stakes which can often be removed.

The Tips
“The Tips” are the tees normally reversed for competitions and can make an already difficult hole astronomically harder by teeing up 30 yards further back. The Tips can bring hazards “into play”

Tee Box
The area for teeing is indicated by coloured stakes or objects. Yellow is the average golfer, white for members and reds for the lady folk. Any other colour is just showing off.

If “trees are 90% air” then wooded areas should be easy to get the ball “back in play”. Evidentially. This isn’t true.

Drop Zone
No this isn’t a reference to the awful film starring Wesley Snipes and Gary Busey [I’ve seen this flick three times, quality]. The “drop zone” is an area designated to drop a ball if you have failed to “carry” the water hazard.

Hopefully this guide had helped you find your way to the hole and safely back to the clubhouse.




Golf Dictionary

This is where we bust the jargon buster. Here at Golf Burn we are attempting to compile a Dictionary of Golfing lexicon – a glossary for beginners and aspiring hackers on how to talk about the game using the latest vocabulary and clichés.

If you have any suggestions and opinions then please submit to golfburn1@gmail.com and I will credit some how or add to the comments below.

[Gim•ee] – noun
You have hit your ball to within three feet of the hole, you know you’ll miss the hole from here so you look desperately at your peer, hoping that he says “That’s a gimme” or “Take it away”. Gimmes cannot not be asked for, only hoped.

Smash Factor
[Smash fak•ter] adjective
This is a new addition to golfing lexicon following the success of the popular and anally dull X-Factor. Smash Factor is the ratio of speed of the ball generated from the swing of the clubhead. The phrase “Great smash factor” has replaced “Wow, you twattered that”.

[Day•zee•kuht•er] adjective
A drive that achieves a height no greater than your kness but travels plus 150 yards.

Rammie Rimmer
[Ram•ey Rim•er] adjective
On your putt the ball circumnavigates the circumference of the hole before dropping in. Normally followed by gasps of “You jammy bastard”.

[Bihyt] verb
This is barked when a approach shot to the green has been over hit or ‘”thinned'” and looks likely to run off at the back. Always said at least twice getting excessively louder and aggressive. Another alternative is to shout “Grow teeth”.

[Spawrn•y] adjective
When a ball has been mis-hit but by luck finishes out of the hazard or gets a “members bounce”‘ back into play.

[Snot•er] adjective
An unbelievable drive that has “split the fairway” achieving great distance and length. Now walk off the tee with your head held high.

[Kar•ee] verb
The distance needed to clear a hazard like a ditch, lake or a desert-esqe bunker. Usually uttered by the colour commentator “If he can carry the carry the green awaits”.

[Bouns] verb
Bounce is the angle in degrees from a golf clubs sole to the leading edge. Sand wedges have lots of bounce. Lob wedges don’t. The more bounce will a create a smaller sod.

[Sod] noun
A lump of earth that is dismembered after a golf swing. If your tee is still in the sod then your are doing something wrong. Similarly if you dislodge a sod on the green.

Sweet spot
[swe•t spot] noun
This is the G spot of the golf club, although not as smelly. If you find this elusive area then you will enjoy holding the “big dog”. If you find it again and again and again then you are having a very good day.

M.O.I [Moment Of Inertia]
Basically this means if you miss the sweet spot what the likelihood is the ball will scoo left or right. Commonly referred to has forgiveness of the club. The higher the M.O.I the greater chance the chance your drive will go straight-ish. This means though, the less opportunity to fade or draw a drive.

C.o.G [Centre of Gravity]
The positioning of a clubs CoG affects the ball flight. The closer to the clubface increases the chance to create a fade or a draw.

Pin high
[Pin hayh] adjective
This term is used as consolation after a shot has missed the green but finished level with the flag. The shot was not short or too long but the distance was correct to the flag. Does not count if two miles away but still level.

[Lawft] verb
If your new to golf then you may think loft is where the Christmas decorations are or where your clubs might end up if you suck. In golf, loft is the angle of the club. The greater the loft the greater the “hang-time”.

[hawrs•shoo] adjective
The most frustrating of golf putts. This where your shot has caught the edge of the hole and follows the lip round before shooting two feet away. You were “beaten by the pace”.

[eys] noun
A hole in one. Getting an ace on the scorecard is every golfers dream. The holy grail of all shots. It can be the only positive of an utterly shit round of golf. I have never achieved such a thing, I have witnessed such a feat though.

Launch Angle
[lawnch ang•uh] verb
Launch angle is the degree of ascent of the ball leaves the club face. Launch angles can go forwards or sideways. Through the legs a particularly difficult one to pull off.


A Round Of Clichés

Golf is a game that has been around for thousands of years. So it has had plenty of time gather up an awful lot clichés.

From rocking up to the first tee and beginning your pre-match routine of swinging the driver a couple of times, here on in begins the round of clichés.

You tee the ball up and then let rip with the “big dog”. You hit a “snotter” This is then followed by a “duffed” 3-wood. You now have a “long iron” in to the green. The “pin position” is “the tight left corner” with a “sand trap” ready to gobble up long chips. Even Woods would struggle putting this close to the pin you tell yourself.

The second is a par-3. The green is “multi-tiered”, you leave yourself with a “Joe Pesci” (a mean five-footer). Two putts makes par. You can play this game.

After a couple of hacks up the 8th fairway you chip over to the 3rd green. You have “paid to use the whole course”. The chip has left you 25 feet to the hole. Get this in the “bin lid” and your laughing. Three putts later you lash the putter into the bag and walk towards the next tee.

Then take out the scorecard to mark a “snowman”on the parable par-5 4th. Dejected and dour faced you walk to the long par-3.

At 213 yards from “the tips” this is a challenging hole. Even more demanding after your playing partner points out the “wet stuff” along the fairway right from tee to green. The ball lands on the “dance floor” on the second attempt. The first found the water.

Just as you rediscover your form on the last of the front nine “the turn” approaches and so begins the back nine. The 10th is a long, difficult par-4. The breeze has “picked up” so it is “playing longer into the wind”. The first drive is out of bounds. The second drive “splits the fairway”. Why can’t I do that all the time you think.

11th, 12th and 13th are merely a blurr. The 14th is another par-3. More water, this time in front of the green. The “carry” if you make it from the tee is 198 yards. The pin is in the difficult “tight right position” usually reserved for competition or the “Sunday position”.

The “finishing hole” is a par-4. “Driveable” if you can thump it 436 yards. You reach it in four after the “reload” on the tee. The car park is O.B/O.O.B/Out Of Bounds after all.

Then finally you reach the “19th hole”. You can rest easy, until the postmortem ritual of analysing the scorecard begins and your forced to relive the “dragged putt” or the “thinned” approach. .

Same time next week then.

Welcome To The Masters

So The Masters is almost upon us. Reputed to be the greatest of the golfing Majors. Why so. Well it is not the oldest competition on the golf circuits, nor is it the most vehemented; that is reserved for the Ryder Cup. My guess is because of the nice green jacket for the winner. The Masters is the first Major of the year and many in the game consider this to be the start of the golf season. So here is a guide to what you can expect of the next four days. 
The Venue
While most football grounds are referred to as the “hallowed turf” the golf equivalent is “revered golf course”. That title is reserved for Augusta National. A former indigo plantation [I didn’t colours were farmed either] was turned into the golf track in 1933. The first contested Masters competition was held the following year in 1934. 
The usual cliches will be forever commentated on; the “manicured fairways”, “undulating greens” and “tree-lined”. The azaleas will be referred to some five thousand times this weekend, particularly by Peter Alliss. 
The BBC and Sky are slugging this one out between them. Both corporations will show exhausted clips and montages of past winners on route to glory. Almost definitely a discussion will be held on Rory McIlorys uncomfortable start to his affiliation with Nike. Ian Poulter will be mentioned endlessly about bringing his “Ryder Cup Passion” or “Medinah Magic” to Augusta National. 
The big question this is, do you go for the BBC with Hazel Irvine; not seen on TV since the Olympics and Peter Alliss or Sky with the gorgeous Kirsty Gallagher, Colin Montgomery; literally a big name in golf and commentary from Ewen Murray. If I were to pick one, I would probably opt for the Beeb simply because of the rate at which they are losing the rights to show live sports, this could be a “watershed” moment. 
The Jacket
As mentioned earlier. The victor over the four days will pick up the coveted green jacket. This is not a blazer that has been handed down through the years, it is not a one size fits all either. But a snooker table coloured sport coat that we are lead to believe has been sewn by the Virgin Mary and not in a sweatshop in China by a blind, orphaned child. 
We will be told by the eventual winner that he has wanted this jacket all his life, although the jacket must be returned the following year and is actually allowed to leave the premises of the golf club. Multiple winners of the Masters will receive the same jacket, unless they have tubbed up over the years. The real prize, $1,300,000 will be most gratefully received discreetly. 
So there is a round up of what to expect over the next four days. If you still decide to watch the golf than actually play a round yourself then remember to relax, sit back and enjoy.